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Dear Prudence,

A good friend and ex-coworker of mine, “Marnie,” is dying. She has only a few months left, is already in hospice, and has made most of her final arrangements. One of the things she has asked for is to spend more time with her friends. The problem is my husband, “Brandon,” and how he behaves when I go to visit her. The first visit, Brandon called me (drunk) after about three hours and demanded to know why I hadn’t responded to his text asking me how things were going, and then demanded to know who was there with us. I’d texted him upon arrival, so he knew I’d made it safely.

I explained that my phone had been across the room, and I hadn’t noticed the text as I was hanging out with Marnie. He said I should have my phone on me and check it at a minimum every two hours in case he texts. It was all very bizarre and came off as kind of controlling. I tried to calmly explain this to him when I got home, and he was still acting strangely. Brandon became upset at me using the word “controlling” to describe his behavior.

The next visit with Marnie was an overnight, but hours before I left, Brandon started picking fights and getting irritated again and made me promise to text him immediately if Marnie’s partner, “Ron,” (whom I was relieving so he could have a night off from caregiving and neither of us knows well, but seems nice and loves Marnie) showed up because Brandon didn’t like the fact that Marnie didn’t want men who were not her partner at her house when her partner was not there. I tried explaining to Brandon that Marnie is going through a lot right now (her medications have some side effects that make her self-conscious) and that all she wants is to feel comfortable in her own home, but his irritation continued.

The third visit was just today for a dinner party with Marnie and some of our old co-workers (all women). I’d been prepping in the kitchen for hours while Brandon played video games in the living room. I let him know I was about to leave about 15 minutes before I needed to go, and he got very upset saying that the calendar didn’t have me leaving for a couple hours (this was true, the ladies hadn’t decided on an exact start time until just the day before and work was so busy that though I’d thought I’d updated the calendar, I had not, but the end time was the same). It essentially meant that the visit would be about five hours, rather than three. Brandon and I had no plans, and even if I’d been at the house for those extra two hours, we wouldn’t have even really hung out, since he was playing his video games and I was doing my own projects in the kitchen.

Instead, he started yelling at me about the calendar entry being wrong, and so I apologized for not updating it, but asked him how it made any difference to the reality of his day. It turned into an argument that upset me so much that I had to calm down in my car for five minutes before I could even drive. He is still very angry about it, but keeps coming up with different excuses as to why (i.e., he wanted help with the dog that he is meant to watch on weekends as I watch him on my own during the week, but our adult kids live at home and were there and could help, or he thought we’d have more time to hangout, but we weren’t hanging out and I was only going to be gone for a few hours…). I must admit, his behavior is beginning to make me pretty angry as well. I just don’t understand why he is behaving this way or how to navigate the little time my dying friend has left if he’s going to act out like this every time I want to see her.

—Fight of the Navigator

Dear Fight of the Navigator,

I find Brandon’s behavior pretty bizarre and upsetting, too. It definitely demands attention, analysis, and probably even therapy sessions. But later, when Marnie isn’t here anymore. Right now, to the extent possible, you should ignore your husband. I don’t mean give him the silent treatment. I mean: Decide for yourself what is a reasonable way to approach plans, time away from home, and communication. This is different in every marriage, so go with what worked before Brandon’s behavior changed. Then add one extra dash of clarity about where you will be and when. But that’s it. Don’t argue with him about it after the fact, and don’t spend any time trying to figure out why he’s being so weird about this.

You will regret dedicating any of your emotional energy to him instead of to Marnie during her final days. Now, of course, I wouldn’t advise this if you had a spouse who had expressed reasonable needs of his own that competed with Marnie’s. I’d likely even tell you to focus on your home life first, as an investment in the person you committed to support and who is going to be by your side forever. But I’m just not sure your husband will be that person!

Have I seen enough evidence to predict a divorce with certainty? No. But the red flags of anger, control, selfishness, and lack of empathy are waving pretty aggressively. What you’ve described feels like it could be the beginning of a version of him that you really don’t like. And I would hate for you to waste precious time with your friend going back and forth with him about missed text messages, who was supposed to help with the dog, and why the hell he cares whether Marnie’s partner is at home or not. You should tell him this.

Here’s a script: “I’m not sure what’s going on or why you’re so angry each time I see Marnie, but I don’t want to argue about it anymore. I love you and care about our marriage. So if you want more time together and have something you’d like us to do as a couple, I will plan around it. But if there are future conflicts after my visits with her, I’m not going to engage with you about them. It doesn’t feel productive, and being close to someone who is at the end of her life has made me more conscious of how I spend my time and energy. After she passes away, we can come back and revisit what is behind these arguments we’ve been having. But not before then.”

Dear Prudence,

I saw a psychiatrist recently, and he told me he suspects bipolar disorder. I haven’t really felt like myself in a while, and with what the psychiatrist said, I think I just really need to talk to someone about how I feel. I tried to talk to my friends about it, but I feel like they don’t understand, and I felt all shaken up even trying to talk, so I stopped. One of my friends mentioned it to me again later and asked me if I was OK and needed to talk, but I brushed it off. After all, it’s not their responsibility to have to comfort me, and I don’t want to seem like an attention-seeker.

Still, I feel like I NEED to talk to someone, but I can’t when I try to. I feel so much all the time, like I’m going to explode. The only way I feel better is when I distract myself with things like smoking weed (lame, I know), and I feel really guilty about it. I‘ve been in and out of therapy pretty much my whole life, and only stopped a few months ago when I turned 18. I want to go back, but it would be so embarrassing to be the one to make that choice, since it wasn’t ever my decision as a child. I’m really lost at what to do.

—Lost

Dear Lost,

Embarrassing? No way. In 2021, about 20 percent of adults surveyed in the U.S. had received mental health treatment in the past 12 months. Between 2018 and 2021, 8.5 percent of American adults were in talk therapy. And I’m honestly surprised that number isn’t larger, as much as counseling is discussed publicly. I’d go as far as to say that in many circles, not seeking this kind of help when it’s needed would subject you to more judgment than making an appointment would. But I know that some stigma remains.

An article by the staff of the Mayo Clinic offers some techniques to deal with this judgment, and just about all of them would be great for you to embrace, from “make sure you get treatment,” “don’t let stigma create self doubt and shame,” “don’t think of yourself as your condition,” and “don’t stay away from other people.” I won’t argue with the experts. However, these strike me as things that may be tough to simply decide to do and feel if you’re already living with an underlying mental health issue and feeling down about it.

So for now, put aside forcing yourself to have different feelings or stifling your doubt and shame. Just use all your energy to do one thing: Reach out to that friend who asked if you were OK and needed to talk, and say this: “Hey, remember when, after I shared my diagnosis with you, you asked if I wanted to talk? Well, I actually do. I’ve been hesitant because I don’t want to seem like an attention-seeker, but I’m honestly really struggling. I’m thinking I need to find an actual therapist, and I know it has to be someone I click with, and it might take some trial and error. Do you think you could hold my hand through the process and hold me accountable for actually going? I really want to feel better, and I’m realizing I’ll need some help to get there.”

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here.

Dear Prudence,

My wife thinks it’s her right to dispense terrible advice to random strangers. Those on the receiving end are as irritated by it as those with the misfortune to be out with her are embarrassed to witness it. We have a young child together, and I fear they will follow her (bad) example. Can you suggest a way to convince her that it’s time she learned to mind her own business?

—Harried Husband

Dear Harried Husband,

I don’t think you need to worry a lot about your child picking up on this annoying behavior. As soon as they’re aware enough to notice what your wife is doing, they’ll likely be as mortified as you are by the strangers’ reactions and swear to never follow in her footsteps.

Also, it’s fine for you to simply dislike your wife’s habit (and the way it affects others) just because you dislike it, without justifying it with concerns for your kid. When she tells the plumber who comes to your house that he needs a clarifying shampoo, urges the person in front of her in line at the grocery store to try intermittent fasting, or lectures a neighbor about proper lawn care techniques, does she seem to notice their negative reactions? If so, you might say something like, “That conversation with George got kind of awkward, didn’t it? I know you meant well, but a lot of people really don’t appreciate being told what to do.” Or if she wonders why she’s not being invited to hang out with the other moms from your kid’s school, you could say, “It seemed to me like they were put off when they came over for the birthday party, and you were telling them they all needed to be fitted for new bras. Do you think they may be trying to avoid being embarrassed in that way again?”

Look for opportunities to help her make the connection between her advice-giving and how it’s received. If she sees what’s happening and doesn’t care that she’s pissing everyone off, that’s unfortunately, her business and may be something you have to learn to live with, maybe embracing a mantra like “It’s not an emergency if my wife is irritating someone. She’s responsible for her own interactions.” But when it comes to people who are important to you—your visiting friend who will not appreciate being told to look for a different job, or your mother who would be offended by guidance on how to dress to flatter her body—it’s fair to ask her explicitly to keep her insights to herself.

Classic Prudie

My mother is retired and found a purpose in fostering rescue dogs. Unfortunately, my fiancée and her young daughter are both profoundly allergic. My mother gets offended because she can’t bring her “puppers” over to visit me and we will not come over and stay with her…

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