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Dear Prudence,
I appear as a middle-aged straight male married to a woman and have two kids in college. Since I was a teenager, I have kept hidden the fact that I want to be a woman. I thought getting married would eliminate those desires. Over the years, those desires have grown. I have cross-dressed in private and public discreetly.
Four years ago, I started gender identity counseling privately. Counseling confirmed I am really a straight woman. I have never been interested in a gay relationship with a man. It won’t be easy, but I would like to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT) shortly and hopefully have gender reassignment surgery. My problem is how to come out. I don’t want to lose my home, wife (as a friend), and kids, but I also want to be living a full life as a woman with the possibility of a relationship with a man.
—How to Come Out?
Dear How to Come Out,
You obviously owe it to your wife to share this news. She may be shocked. She may think, “That tracks,” based on what she’s observed over the years or because you weren’t as discreet as you thought you were. She may be incredibly understanding and affirming. She may be relieved that you’ll be living your truth and excited about moving on and living her own life (maybe she has a crush on someone that she’d like to pursue! Maybe she has ideas about how she’d fill her free time if you split custody of the kids!). Or she may be furious that you spent four years in therapy exploring your identity without giving her a single hint or heads up.
Even if this announcement goes as well as it possibly can, there will still be a lot of feelings, questions, and decisions to be made. So what you need to do is to get into couples counseling and establish a rapport and relationship with someone you both trust, before you make the announcement. You’ll both benefit from having a safe place to discuss whatever comes up, as soon as it comes up. You may need to cook up a fake story to get her in the door, but let’s be honest, that lie will be the least of your problems.
Even before that, with the help of your counselor, you should try to articulate very clearly to yourself how you feel about the situation. This will be key to how you present it to your wife, but it will also ensure that her response doesn’t cause you to lose track of how you feel or doubt yourself. Have answers ready for “Why” and be clear on what exactly you’re sorry for (I imagine, misleading your wife and keeping a secret), what you’re not sorry for (who you are), and the reasons (not excuses, but legitimate reasons based on how our society treats transgender people) for your decision not to be open.
Also, mentally prepare yourself for the fact that this very important change for you might involve losing your home (if it’s sold in a divorce), and your wife as a friend (even if it’s just because she’s temporarily in shock). You say you don’t want these things, and I get it, but you may not get to have every single thing you want. Chat with an attorney about what it will take to maintain involvement in your kids’ lives if this all goes terribly. Remind yourself that being open and honest about who you are is most important, followed by being as understanding as possible to the other people whose lives will now look different while you live your truth.
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Dear Prudence,
A few years ago, my best friend from college and I went to see the Grateful Dead (we’re both in our 60s). His wife had told him he had seen them enough that year, so I bought the tickets. It was out of town, and we said we were going biking that weekend (which we did). The morning after the show, someone posted on his Facebook, “How was the show?” His wife called him, and he had to leave right away and cut the weekend short.
He was in hot water but was able to transfer her anger to me (that’s what buddies are for), but it’s been a few years, and it seems like we still aren’t allowed to get together. Our relationship has been strained and a bit weird. He has gone to further GD shows and invited other friends, but not me.
I don’t know what to do about this. At the time, he told me she said I broke a sacred trust. She’s not my wife, and I have no duty to her. I’ve never been anything but nice to her. We live several hours apart and don’t see each other. I asked a mutual friend (whom he has been to GD with since) to let him know I was feeling bad about this, and he did, so my friend called me to say he was sorry. Nothing has really changed. What can I do? Shouldn’t he tell his wife that forcing an end to a 40-year relationship is wrong? To be honest, my heart is broken. Has Relationship George killed Independent George?
—Dead Head
Dear Dead Head,
I don’t think you can fix a relationship in which one person says, “I think you’ve seen enough of the Grateful Dead this year” and instead of their partner saying, “I know but I really want to go with my friend” or “Let me tell you a a little bit more about why it’s so important to me” or “If you support me going I’ll support you when you want to go on your fourth silent retreat” or “Is there anything I can do to make you OK with this”? or even “I know you’re mad but I’m getting the tickets,” they instead just sneak off and go to the show anyway.
Your friend’s wife is wrong, and honestly, controlling in a way that would likely register to more people as very ominous if she were a man. But your friend has chosen her and their dysfunction. Let him know if he ever needs to get away, your door is open. And tell him you’ll look for some tickets for the two of you to attend local shows.
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Dear Prudence,
I recently hired a handyman through a neighborhood social media site where such jobs are advertised. He came and completed the job with no problems whatsoever. He was paid in cash and rode off on his bicycle.
Since he’d done such a good job, I decided to post a review of him on the same site where I found him. While a couple of people gave thumbs up, two people asked me to contact them directly, and told me he was an alcoholic who didn’t pay his rent and often walked out on jobs half finished or didn’t show up at all. Apparently, one of them was his landlord.
I don’t know the man personally, other than our one encounter, which was positive. I have this urge to reach out to him and let him know people are bad-mouthing him, but on the other hand, I appreciate the neighbors who are looking out for me and don’t want me to get ripped off. They didn’t post their comments publicly; they had a private conversation with me. I do usually leave reviews for people whom I found on that site, but I don’t quite know how to proceed. Do I reach out to him or leave it alone and let others decide whether to use his services based on the range of reviews?
—Handy or Hammered
Dear Handy,
Leave it alone!
Classic Prudie
My best friend and I are 22 years old. She just went through a really difficult breakup and has been venting to me a lot. I generally let things slide when people are venting their frustrations, but she’s saying a lot of stuff that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I’m unsure how to approach that with her while she’s still dealing with all these emotions. Part of the breakup involved her ex-boyfriend telling her that he just wasn’t attracted to her.