Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My teenager used to take a lot of pride in his schoolwork. He was organized, cared about his grades, and generally took responsibility for his assignments. Over the past year, though, his attitude has shifted dramatically.
He’s become extremely laissez-faire about school. Missing assignments doesn’t seem to bother him, and when I express concern—like pointing out that he currently has an F in one class—he tells me I’m overreacting and that it’s “not a big deal.” I’m struggling to figure out where the line is between letting natural consequences teach him something and stepping in as a parent who cares deeply about his education. I don’t want to nag or create constant conflict, but I also don’t feel comfortable watching him disengage from something that used to matter to him. How much should I push here? Is this normal teenage recalibration, or should I be doing more to intervene before bad habits set in?
—Concerned Parent
Dear Concerned,
I’m sure you already know how borderline impossible it can be to get a teenager to do anything they don’t want to do. You can tell your son what you want him to do. You can set down consequences if he doesn’t do things that you consider non-negotiable. But this kind of pushing can only get you both so far—in the end, you can’t force him to do all his work, nor can you make him want to do it.
What you’re describing doesn’t really sound like just a case of laziness or “bad habits.” In your own words, this is a dramatic shift in your son’s overall attitude and priorities. So I think the most important question is not actually “to push or not to push?” but “why is this happening?”
You need to understand what’s behind this change you’ve seen before you can do anything to address it. For example, is this mostly an academic issue? Is your son overwhelmed by his workload, or maybe struggling in a specific class or two? Or is he hanging out with other people who don’t care much about school? If so, what are they focused on instead? Is he feeling anxious or depressed, and is that, in turn, affecting his ability to care about or focus on things that used to matter to him? What about the goals he used to have for himself, especially ones linked to his education—does he still care about those things? Is he still able to care about or plan for his future? If not, why not?
Yes, people can change or decide that they want different things absent a big crisis. But I think it makes a lot of sense to be concerned when your child seems to stop caring about something that used to be important to them. You need more information in order to understand whether this is a big problem or a small problem and what you can or should be doing to try to support him through it.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have a son, “Archie,” 8, and a daughter, “Amber,” 5. The problem I have is that my sister “Anna” always buys them educational toys for birthdays and holidays. This past Christmas she got them these National Geographic sets where they were able to grow their own crystals, for instance; Archie just had a birthday and she bought him a set with geodes that he got to crack open. They enjoy them, but often these sets have a finite use. I would prefer she buy them things that have more permanence. My husband says I should be glad Anna is getting them gifts that encourage thinking, curiosity, and keep them off the screens and need to keep my mouth shut. Would it really be so wrong to ask her to get them less nerdy things that have more staying power?
—Grating Geeky Gifts
Dear Grating,
I don’t know if I’d consider it morally “wrong,” but the thought of complaining about a gift someone else bought my child personally makes me want to shrivel up and die of embarrassment, so I know I couldn’t do it.
It would be one thing if your sister were giving your kids gifts you were personally opposed to, or didn’t think were appropriate. But that’s very different from saying, “We don’t appreciate your nerdy science kits.” Your kids do appreciate them!
It’s OK to let Anna know of things your kids might really love or need, especially if she asks you for suggestions. You can think about whether it makes sense to create and share a wishlist. But everything our kids receive from others is just bonus, really. Other people aren’t obligated to buy things for them. When they do—again, so long as it’s an appropriate sort of gift—just say thank you.
—Nicole
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My husband and I have two kids. I went back to work fulltime about four months ago after staying home since the first was born. My husband travels for work three-to-four times a year for three-to-five days at a time. He recently had his first trip since I returned to work, and it’s definitely a different experience taking care of everyone for five days while also going to work all day every day. Just after he got back, we were talking about my upcoming birthday. I told him I’d like to get a hotel room with a jacuzzi tub for a night one of the weekends around my birthday and just relax by myself.