How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband has developed a fixation that I fear will result in injury.

I’m currently eight months pregnant and bending down is difficult. So, I can’t blow him right now. “Ron” has gotten it into his head that using the vacuum hose on his dick will result in “the ultimate blow job.” What can I do to convince him that this is a terrible idea?

—Just Wait One More Month

Dear Just Wait One More Month,

Why not show him or, better yet, buy him a sex toy that is made specifically to put one’s dick in, like a Fleshlight or a blowjob simulator. Specifically, Adam & Eve sells the PDX Elite Suckgasm Masturbator, which provides suction in a way that is way safer than sticking one’s dick in a vacuum.

Banging a vacuum hose reeks of adolescent desperation, when a lack of access means sizing whatever up to see if it could procure orgasm. An adult simply does not need to do that in this day and age, and the risks make it not at all worth it. I have to wonder if it would even feel good—without the proper ability to thrust (which the suction would most certainly inhibit) and against plastic, this seems like something that someone would quickly tire of. It’s not even worth trying, and as you point out, it’s more than a little ridiculous that he’s looking for this kind of sex replacement when you’re so close to giving birth. Get him a sex toy or tell him to use his hand, as he’s likely been doing.

—Rich

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