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Dear How to Do It,
My girlfriend keeps asking me about ways to improve our sex life and what my fantasies are. I honestly don’t have any that are that exciting and/or worth pursuing because my job would not lend itself to any sort of public scandal. We have come up with some ideas, but anything I suggest she takes very personally and says it all makes her feel bad about herself.
The thing is, SHE doesn’t have any fantasies or kinks and is only willing to try new things if they’re intended to turn me on. I would assume she’s just vanilla, and that’s valid and fine with me, but then she keeps circling back to needing to spice things up.
I have tried to just dodge the question and say I’m perfectly happy, which is true. I’m pretty solidly in the median between kink sounds like fun and just happy to be invited, but that frustrates her because “we’re too young to be this boring.” I’m just not sure how to navigate this. Should I just hold the line that “I’m happy with our sex life”; keep suggesting things until she finds out what she wants, despite some (most) things I come up with upsetting her; or just put the ball back in her court until she can work out what she wants?
Suggestions to date have mostly been dirty talk, more spontaneous sex, sexy getaways, and a little faux-exhibitionism. (I did think I was into exhibitionism, if it wasn’t for my job, but we did it against the patio doors in the kitchen, and a fox watched us. Which really put me off, to be honest. So I do think part of the problem might be we’re both expecting ourselves to be more kinkily interesting than we are.)
—Vanilla Is a Spice, Right?
Dear Vanilla,
I so deeply appreciate when the format of a question submission allows a writer to think themselves around to what I believe is the actual issue. Yes, there seems to be significant pressure to perform “interesting”—which can also be called novel, or edgy—sexuality. Your letter suggests that your girlfriend is directly experiencing this pressure, and you’re picking it up secondhand.
There are a few possibilities that come to mind as drivers for your girlfriend’s dissatisfaction. She might be feeling less fulfilled and connected to you than you believe she is, and seeking to resolve that with adventurous sex in the hopes of avoiding an uncomfortable conversation. She might have a particular fantasy of her own that she feels ashamed about, and is hoping to avoid rejection by waiting for you to coincidentally suggest the thing that turns her on. Or (and this is the scenario that feels most likely) she’s got a misguided belief that sexual maturity requires leaving as few stones as possible unturned, or that youth is the only appropriate time for exploration.
A few things shifted with the rise of sex positivity that seemed progressive on the surface but have turned into rigid norms in their own way. One example is the idea that women must be brought to orgasm for sex to be complete, fair, or feminist. A browse through this column’s pages alone will present you with plenty of examples of women who have then felt deficient because they don’t orgasm, or don’t orgasm with a partner, or who are being hounded by said partners. Somehow we replaced focusing on the consent and pleasure of all involved with making the woman come, thus failing to embrace the full potential of sexual connection (and the complexity, nuance, and attention to the individual in front of us that this requires) by taking the procreation-driven model in which sex ends with a man’s orgasm and expanding that requirement to include the female partner.
Similarly, sex outside of that which can lead to procreation was pathologized for a very long time (famously, homosexuality was listed as a mental health disorder for many years), then framed as a slippery slope in the sense that people who step too far outside of those norms are doomed to a horrible fate, like that of Marquis de Sade’s The 120 Days of Sodom (which also, interestingly, is the reverse of the idea that “we are too young to be boring in bed,” presenting elaborate perversion as the purview of those approaching old age, and youths as pawns in their games). In some circles, this created a pressure to do everything (that is, everything that a person can find someone else to consent to and is not known by the folks involved to come with the risk of significant harm).
Like the absolute requirement of female orgasm, this pressure introduces unnecessary essentials into the definition of “good sex.” Some people leave puberty with a genuine desire to experience everything available to them. Others are only significantly aroused or satisfied if one particular facet of physical interaction is included. Still more have no desires, and never will, for anything other than kissing with tongue and penetration. Often, we lose interest in something that turned us on for several years, or find interest in other aspects of sex, as time passes and our collection of experiences grows. Plus, lots of us are flexible in several areas because we (very applaudably) enjoy participating in the pleasure of our partners.
If my suspicion is correct, and your girlfriend’s behavior stems from an internal pressure to force herself into an idea of what sexual openness or sex positivity should look like, putting the ball back in her court is likely to compound the shame she feels around falling short of this unfortunate ideal. Repeating that you’re happy, or continuing to suggest practices that aren’t very appealing to you, will delay an important conversation by keeping the two of you stuck in this loop. I’d follow up on your realization at the end of the letter and ask your girlfriend why this means so much to her. The more you can ask open-ended questions, and the more gentle you can be in these conversations, the more likely you are to help her realize what she’s actually after here. When you both have that information, you’ll be able to figure out a way past this.
And yes, vanilla is a spice. A very popular spice, with loads of possible variation.
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Dear How to Do It,
My wife recently asked me why I’m so silent during sex. We’ve been married for 25 years, and we’re both rather quiet in bed—no real dirty talk, maybe the occasional “mmmmm.” I might say, “You look so hot” or whatever. Recently, though, she’s asked me to be more indicative of how things feel and when I’m going to finish (she usually finishes first before we do some penis-in-vagina, for example), or give more signs of how things are going. I can’t seem to bring myself to say something without feeling like a total cheese ball, or like I’m trying to imitate a porn flick (“Uhhh, I’m gonna come!”—so ridiculous!). How can I get past this weird feeling to be more communicative and comfortable with my partner?
—Silent But Happy
Dear Silent But Happy,
It comes down to a combination of finding phrases that feel comfortable and practicing. If you’re generally less expressive and playful than you’d like to be in appropriate situations, a few improvisational comedy classes might help you with loosening up. (Resist any temptation to bring dirty talk into improv, though. It’s considered lazy and is usually either very uncomfortable or boring for women in the group.) If you’re flexible and relaxed in interactions outside of this specific issue of talking during sex, think about what of your communication prowess outside the bedroom can be brought into it.
If feeling like a total cheese ball is tied to a feeling of sounding like a stereotypical porn performer, know that most (although, with Nick Mannings’ “Droppin’ loads” in mind, by no means all) of the phrases that come out of the mouths of people in an adult video are pretty basic, and any cheesiness largely comes from the intonation. “That feels good,” “Yes, right there,” “Harder” (or softer), “I love your [eyes, cock, pussy],” and “I’m going to come” can be simple communication. They can be said matter-of-factly, with tenderness, or, yes, with a volume and inflection that is overly rehearsed or aiming to grab a viewer’s attention in a sea of similar content. If the Velveeta topping you’re trying to avoid has more to do with the vulnerability of sharing your feelings, even if those feelings are purely physical, there’s no way past that but through it.
Rehearsing in the mirror is a time-honored way of tackling anxiety around saying things out loud, whether those are an actor’s lines or an executive’s keynote speech. When you’re feeling confident enough, remind your wife that you’re pushing yourself to accommodate her request and start trying a small statement here and there.
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Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site for Slate Plus members. Write to us!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I have been together for about 20 years. We are each other’s only significant sexual partners. Our sex life has gotten better with time, slowly but surely. We’ve recently found she gets turned on by taking a submissive role during sex. I’m indifferent regarding dominance, but I like that it turns her on, so lately I’m trying to lean into it more.
Examples of things that have been great additions so far include me being more pushy or bossy about positions, gently pinning her down, light hair pulling, gentle spanking, and VERY light choking. I am personally not interested in performing any verbal degradation, causing her any actual pain, or humiliating her in any way. Other than that, we have a good track record of trying something new and passing on it if it doesn’t seem right.
I think she will appreciate it if I’m the one who brings the new ideas, rather than just asking her what she wants to try, on account of my attempting to be dominant and all. So, I’m hoping you guys can help me with some fresh ideas for making my fairly vanilla, heterosexual life a bit rougher!
—Faking Dominance
Dear Faking Dominance,
Submission and dominance comprise a whole range of variations—small and large. The knowledge that your wife enjoys submission tells me nothing other than that she enjoys relinquishing power in the context of a sexual game or roleplay. Since you’re trying to avoid directly asking for the details of what she desires, no wonder you’re at a loss for what to deliver.
There’s a whole world of possibilities outside of the rough handling you’re already enjoying and the degradation and humiliation you draw a hard boundary around. Ideally, you’re considering your own preferences along with what your wife wants, and are able to find a style of domination that fulfills her wishes while also feeling authentic to yourself. There have been countless attempts to come up with a taxonomy of BDSM dynamics, or of types of domination, since the early days of the internet. This post on Quora focuses more on themes, and this short article from SubmissiveGuide looks more at actions.
I’m guessing that you want to be the bearer of arousing activities in part because of a desire to take the initiative (which seems like a bit of service top), and maybe to cater to a desire on your wife’s part to delegate intellectual labor as part of her erotic vacation from control or to embody the fantasy of the “all seeing, all knowing” dominant. You can probably find a way to use the frameworks that already exist in your sexual dynamics to draw the necessary information out of your wife. This might look like commanding her to share a fantasy, or to describe what is turning her on about a sexual activity the two of you are engaged in as it plays out. As you understand more about what’s working for her, you’re likely to have a higher success rate with new suggestions. I strongly encourage you to ask yourself, after the fact, what was enjoyable for you, what was neutral, and what left you cold or squicked out.
Something like Sinclair Sexsmith’s educational offerings (as a shared activity when applicable) might help you avoid a direct (and therefore, yeah, not usually the most erotically charged) conversation. On your own, you might find the persona-building portions of 7Days of Domination’s Baby Dom/me/mx Bootcamp Workbook useful, though the majority of the book is geared toward budding professionals, so there’s a lot of business-minded stuff you’ll probably want to skip. It’s also worth checking out 7Days’ Kink Feelings Chart, and the feelings portion of Bex Caputo’s Yes/No/Maybe list for a sense of how broad the range of emotions involved in BDSM can be.
—Jessica
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