Few people are as knee-deep in our work-related anxieties and sticky office politics as Alison Green, who has been fielding workplace questions for a decade now on her website Ask a Manager. In Direct Report, she spotlights themes from her inbox that help explain the modern workplace and how we could be navigating it better.
“You’re not leaving yet, are you? Team karaoke starts in 10 minutes!”
Welcome to today’s workplace, where meetings aren’t the only thing getting scheduled: Fun—
or rather, “fun”—is, too. The occasional happy hour has always been an office staple, but these days, you also might be expected to participate in escape rooms, team skits, themed potlucks, and myriad other activities organized in the name of bonding and camaraderie.
For many employees, these enforced festivities can feel more like an obligation than a perk. This person’s annoyance is a pretty typical response:
“Our boss keeps bringing up ideas for us to all have fun together in the evenings. No one, and I mean no one, wants to do anything when quitting time arrives except bolt for the door and escape. This, coupled with some 25-plus-mile commutes for some of us, just makes us cringe when she brings this up. No, I don’t want to go to a bar/restaurant, or a baseball game, play bingo, or any other activity in the evenings. My commute eats up enough of my time.”
But because this is work, there’s built-in pressure to participate, and people naturally worry about being penalized for not being a team player if they opt out:
“My boss is a big believer that spending time together outside of work will make us a more cohesive team, so every month or so she plans happy hours, dinners, or other activities. It’s never been labeled 'mandatory,' but when I’ve seen co-workers try to opt out, my boss acts hurt and disappointed, like they’re rejecting an offer of hospitality from her or actively trying to distance themselves from the team. I’ve also noticed she looks more favorably on the people who attend every time, to the point that I truly believe she factors it in when there’s an interesting work assignment or travel opportunity. So I feel like I’m obligated to go, even though I’d much prefer to just go home at the end of the workday.”
And while occasional team happy hours have been standard for decades, employers are increasingly getting creative about what kind of “fun” they organize. Some are landing on activities that workers find actively off-putting, like sleepovers or gun ranges:
“My boss keeps suggesting a team outing at a gun range. I feel very uncomfortable about this prospect as I don’t have any interest in handling guns. Is there a way to gracefully bow out of this 'team-building' activity? He is a bit provocative and I really don’t want to get into a discussion about why I am not interested in going.”
“I am struggling with management’s requirement that all employees participate in twice-weekly tai chi sessions. These are paid for by the organization and held in-house, during the workday. When first presented to staff, tai chi was billed as a team-building activity that would last for 12 weeks. The activity has been extended for 12 additional weeks and is now framed by the CEO as mandatory employee wellness/team-building, despite zero outcry from staff for more of either … I come to work to be treated like an adult professional, not to have decisions about my health made for me by my employer.”
“My supervisor decided to boost morale (and therefore productivity) by having a 'group song.' He excitedly told us we were going to sing this song at each meeting and he planned to hire a professional choreographer to create dance moves for it. He wanted the song to be selected by employees, so he put out a call for nominations. I don’t think he got much of a response because he repeated his demand for nominations multiple times. Finally, weeks later, we got an email with four song options we could vote on. If I recall correctly, they were 'Livin’ on a Prayer,' 'Country Roads,' 'Get Lucky,' and 'Don’t Stop Believing.' Journey won and we were then forced to end every meeting by singing along to the song. He was clearly expecting us to act like we were doing karaoke at a bar, but instead everyone looked at the floor and mumbled along with the words awkwardly. I worked there for six more months and had to go through that awkward experience at EVERY meeting until I left. I’m just glad I got out before the choreographer came and staff were forced to dance along with the music as well.”
“Next month is a big milestone in the team’s work, and to celebrate, they’re planning a retreat at my colleague’s vacation home. We’re all going to sleep over there for the weekend. I don’t know anything about the specific sleeping arrangements or activities except that we’re going to do a yoga class together (side note: I can barely touch my knees, let alone my toes, and hate yoga). … I feel like this is not optional because I was asked about when I’m available, and it’s true, I do not yet have any plans for that weekend, but I thought we would be meeting in the city where we work for a picnic or something, not having a full weekend away together! And several of us are parents—we’re just supposed to let our partners or families take the kids for the weekend? Are we sharing bedrooms with each other, or sleeping in sleeping bags, or what? I have no idea. It’s a lot!”
Ironically, while these activities are coordinated in the name of strengthening team cohesion, they can end up excluding team members in ways that their organizers often don’t think much about:
“My team has planned a team-builder at a physically demanding escape room. The whole team has to make it through an obstacle course while solving puzzles to advance to the next obstacle course. My invisible disability makes it impossible for me to safely participate in this type of activity (I can’t walk in a straight line on solid ground, no way can I cross a tightrope!). I called the escape room company and there is no option to just do the mental puzzles; all participants have to do every challenge. My direct manager is one of the better managers I have had at this organization, and there is big talk about inclusivity, but I feel incredibly uncomfortable talking about my disability. I already don’t feel like I fit in on this team (only woman and second oldest person).”
“My company (a young tech start-up) is planning an overnight company trip. They’ve been keeping the details secret, which has caused a lot of anxiety, especially since teasers implied that we would be going camping. They finally released a few details the week before it is set to happen, stating that we needed to bring athletic clothes and swimsuits, there would be a day of 'team-building activities,' followed by a big party, followed by 'more fun extreme sports activities' the next day. I have a health condition where hours of team sports will be miserable and potentially make me feel really unwell. I’m stressed about not going and being perceived as not being a team player, but also don’t want to have to sit awkwardly on the side and deal with questions about why I’m not participating.”
If you’re thinking the obvious solution to some of these is to have a “scheduling conflict” so you’re unavailable at the time of the activity … well, sometimes that works. Other times the organizer will specifically look for slots when they know everyone is available. The person above whose team was doing the physically demanding escape room reported, “They specifically picked a time that worked for everyone (prior to picking the venue) and they waited for me to get back from vacation so I could attend as well.”
There is something to the idea that people will work together more effectively when they’ve spent time together and gotten to know each other as people. But there are a lot of ways teams can make that happen within the normal course of working together, and without laying claim to employees’ off hours. By all means, offer the opportunity for more social bonding to workers who want it—but those activities shouldn’t be so frequent that people feel resentful about the demands on their time, and, most importantly, they need to be genuinely optional. No one should feel obligated to go drinking with colleagues or do extreme sports (or any sports!) in order to stay in their manager’s good graces. And for the love of god, no sleepovers.
